It’s not easy, being a trained professional journalist. This past weekend, for example, while you were enjoying yourself mowing the lawn and fixing the holes in your screen caused by aggressive subtropical mosquitoes the size of mature eggplants, I was out fulfilling my First Amendment obligation to look at women wearing tiny bathing suits.
The journalistic reason for this, of course, was the decision last week by those busy beavers in the Florida Cabinet, who, in response to a widespread statewide outpouring of zero complaints from anybody, decided to regulate swimwear on beaches in state parks.
The new regulations, which were proposed by the Department of Natural Resources and Bun Regulation, prohibit swimwear that reveals ``male or female genitals, pubic area, the entire buttocks, or female breasts below the top of the nipple with less than a fully opaque covering.‘’
Certainly we all agree that the Cabinet’s action was necessary. You have a lot of women these days wearing these ``thong’'-style bathing suits consisting of roughly the same amount of fabric as you might use to make an eyepatch for a Barbie doll.
We cannot allow this on our state beaches. We cannot run the risk that an official of the Department of Natural Resources, or, God forbid, a Cabinet member, might witness an uncovered buttock and be seized by an uncontrollable frenzy of lust and be unable to stop himself from committing wanton acts of regulation.
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https://archive.seattletimes.com/archive/?date=19900620&slug=1078063